mother's day and little baby ducks

This Mother’s Day, I find myself thinking of my son and how different my life would be today had he lived.

He would be 19 this coming August, would be in either his last year of high school or first year of college, and would be getting ready to vote in his first presidential election. I smile when I think of that last opportunity, remembering how excited I was when I was a new voter, casting my absentee ballot for Democrat presidential candidate Michael Dukakis.

It was probably a blessing to everyone that I lost him — in the downstairs bathroom at my parents’ house, in the wee hours of the morning, while I was home on break. I was in an unstable and abusive relationship, and adding a child to the mix would have been a disaster. It was several years before I acknowledged the miscarriage, and now the memory makes me feel both wistful and sad.

Several months ago, I blogged about my childlessness. What I’d not admitted was my fear of trying to have a child — knowing how difficult it would very likely be and the high risk of miscarriage. Losing a pregnancy when I was just a kid myself is one thing; I’m not sure how I’d handle losing a child I wanted and had tried so hard to conceive. It’s not something I’m willing to face without a steady and loving partner, and at 38, I find that time is running short.

This, I believe, is the first Mother’s Day I’ve thought about my own lost motherhood. Before today, I don’t think I’d ever thought about whether a future Mother’s Day might actually belong to me. I don’t think being a “puppy and kitten mama” counts.

The day does, however, belong to my mother, my stepmother, my sister, my friends and many, many others. This will sound silly and sentimental, but I hope the sun is shining down on them all today.

There are some new mothers in my neighborhood, and this morning I’ve seen them out playing with their offspring. I was outside walking a bit ago and happily spied clusters of little ducklings out on the water with their parents, scooting around like tiny, feathered bumper boats. While I stood watching them, a neighbor came running down to the water with his camera, and we discussed different vantage points that would yield the best photos while causing the least intrusion to the duck family outing.

Cruising back to my place, I remembered a song I’d heard on the radio when I was a child:

“I Love,” by Tom Hall

I love little baby ducks, old pick-up trucks, slow-moving trains, and rain
I love little country streams, sleep without dreams, Sunday school in May, and hay
And I love you too

I love leaves in the wind, pictures of my friends, birds in the world, and squirrels
I love coffee in a cup, little fuzzy pups, bourbon in a glass, and grass
And I love you too

I love honest open smiles, kisses from a child, tomatoes on the vine, and onions
I love winners when they cry, losers when they try, music when it's good, and life
And i love you too

Not a bad song for any day of the week, but especially lovely this Mother’s Day. I hope you’re having a good one.