further adventures in online dating

Yeah, so I think I'm done with this online medium of trying to meet someone. You can argue that I've not given it much of a shot, but I've tried online dating and connection sites on and off for awhile, and I am reminded of the definition of insanity: Trying the same approach over and over again, and expecting to get different results.

On Thursday, I finally took action against someone who had essentially been stalking me on OK Cupid. This is a fun social site that allows people to connect with each other -- as friends, potential dates, whatever -- based on profiles, fun and quirky tests, and answers to a variety of questions. I've met some interesting people through OK Cupid, and I've also gotten some really strange messages from that site.

About a week ago, I found a message in my OK Cupid mailbox from someone new. It had been written fairly late at night, and went on for the equivalent of at least a page-and-a-half, describing how he'd gotten a warm feeling in his heart while reading my profile, that he was "in very deep like" with me, that he knew he was coming across as intense but hoped I would understand, etc. I stared blankly at the message for a few minutes, and then left the site to do something else. I thought of what I might say in a response -- that I'd learned from experience that people who come across as too intense generally are too intense for me, but that I still try to give people the benefit of the doubt, etc. -- but I didn't compose any message.

A few days ago, I checked in on OK Cupid again, and found a second message from this man. It was another several-pager, and he was explaining that he'd noticed that my activity status indicated that I'd been online recently, and that he wanted to know if I'd gotten his message -- to make sure that it had gotten through to me, that I knew that he really wasn't as intense as he appeared, that I could e-mail him off-site if I wanted to, that he was worried that I'd tried to write him back but the site had malfunctioned. etc. He'd moved beyond intense and uncomfortable. He was monitoring my on-site activity? This was now officially creepy.

Still, I didn't respond. As mentioned earlier, I'd learned to let such matters alone, as usually any kind of response -- even if to say, "Please leave me alone" -- is often taken as a signal by the other person that they should keep writing. So, I let it go. I did, however, make a couple of changes to my OK Cupid profile, to update some old information and to change a few of the details on what kinds of activities and people I'm interested in.

I should mention that, at this point, a very good friend of mine saw the two messages he'd written, and responded to me with, "RUN! A LOT!"

Thursday, shortly after I blogged on my Craigslist misadventures, I logged in to OK Cupid. Again, there was another message from this guy. Again, he'd rambled on for several pages -- I'm really not kidding about how long these messages were -- about how he'd again noticed that I'd been online. He proceeded to outline the changes I'd made to my own profile, asking in each case if this alteration had been made in response to something he'd said or not said in previous messages to me. He talked again about how he knew he wrote way too much, but again tried appealing to the fact that I'm a writer, so I should understand the longing for self-expression, and that I must naturally appreciate the effort he was putting into these missives. He repeated himself a great deal, from one message to the next, and within the individual missives. He also talked about wanting to contact the OK Cupid administrators about their service, certain that it wasn't working properly since I'd not written back.

So, I finally replied. I simply couldn't allow this to go on. Trying to be diplomatic as always, I was also as direct as possible. Maybe it was harsh, but this has all been a great exercise in my learning new ways to say, "No" and "Get away from me before I call the police." My very short response indicated that his messages to me had left me with a bad feeling, whether he had intended it or not, and that I'd learned to rely upon my intuition in such matters. I explained that I'd not replied earlier because I hadn't wanted to encourage further communication. I wished him well, hoping that he'd find the right person for him, and that in the meantime, he shouldn't contact me again.

I also blocked him as a user.

While composing this blog entry, I've had some more Craigslist messages.... Why do men think it's okay to tell a woman that they think she is "too high-maintenance" and "snotty" for them, but that if she'd like to "come back to earth," they would very much like to take her to dinner?

The whole reason I'd given the online thing a chance was because I spend a fair amount of time on the computer anyway, and I wasn't having much success meeting people "in the real world." Obviously, the man for me is not hanging out on Craigslist, and it doesn't look as though he's on OK Cupid, either. I think I'll go back to just walking up and introducing myself to folks -- like I did in the garden on Monday, even though I felt like an idiot afterwards -- and hanging out in the archaeology section at Powells.