CL responses

I was sitting at my local coffee shop yesterday, pondering some of the responses I'd gotten from my Craigslist posting, and watching two guys at the next table test a pair of flame-retardant grilling gloves. One of the men put on the gloves, while the other tried to set his friend's fingers on fire with a lighter.

You just can't buy entertainment like that.

I've gotten some hate mail. I understand this comes with the territory of posting a personal profile. There are people who simply are not going to like what you have to say when you put yourself out there. Some get intimidated by other's postings and feel badly about themselves because they think they "don't measure up." Sometimes they lash out, trying to wound the profile poster.

In part, I can understand this. I think some people take these posts the wrong way, forgetting that the posters are looking for their next dates, or their life partners. They are looking for the specific person they are attracted to, rather than broadcasting some kind of Aryan Nation Manifesto. If a man writes that he's usually attracted to Latina women, that's not evidence that he's prejudiced against women of other skin colors or ethnic backgrounds -- it simply means he likes Latina women. If a woman indicates she has a college degree and is looking for someone similar, that doesn't imply that she's an elitist snob -- perhaps she's just interested in intellectual compatibility. If a man says he's looking for a woman who is disease-free, there's no sense in jumping to the conclusion that he thinks that anyone with an STD is a disgusting sinner who is going straight to hell to burn for all eternity.

Describing the kind of person you're looking for doesn't mean that you think that anyone who falls outside of those criteria is a bad person who doesn't deserve to live. And yet these are the kinds of reactions that some people have to online profiles.

The hate mail that struck me yesterday was, unfortunately, the first e-mail message I'd opened that morning. When I'm still waking up, I'm more vulnerable and am more likely to feel the sting of such an attack. So when this fellow wrote that I was "vain" and "pathetic" for saying I'd probably adopt children if I found I ever wanted to be a parent, I felt the barb. It doesn't matter that I still can't figure out how those two adjectives apply to adoption. It hurt that someone I don't even know would judge me so harshly, and would take the time to send this low opinion to me personally.

Experience has proven that it's best to just let such messages pass. Although I'm a Southerner who was reared to be polite, responsive, and forgiving, trying to smooth over these conflicts generally only opens the door for more vitriol to be flung my way. So I just shrug my shoulders and hope he can heal the hurt inside him that causes him to lash out at strangers.

Experience has also taught me that I'm better off reading messages from my friends first thing in the morning. Save the would-be suitors for later in the day.

A day earlier, I'd been messaged by a man who advised that I "trim the wings of the plane" I was on, since I was flying way too high where the air was very thin; I needed to come back down to reality and go out with him instead. Umm, no, I don't think so. Why do some men think that deflating a woman's hopes and aspirations, and even her concept of herself, is the best way to win her heart? I see some men go about wooing with insults, derogatory comments, and other demeaning behaviors, and then wonder why the entire female population isn't bowing down at their feet. Similarly, I've seen women expect men to be footstools, doormats, and house pets. Sadly, there are some people who respond favorably to this ill treatment.

Then there are the "writers" who have responded to my profile. I make my living as a writer, and said as much in my posting. One guy responded, telling me that he's also a professional writer, yet his e-mail was nearly incomprehensible. He'd strung together so many multi-syllabic, Scrabble bonus words that his sentences ended up having no real meaning. Do you remember the episode of "Friends" in which Joey uses a thesaurus to sound smarter when writing a letter to the adoption board on behalf of Monica and Chandler? The end result was a garbled string of gibberish. Same here. Still, I gave this guy the benefit of the doubt -- which I always seem to do, even though it keeps coming back to bite me in the ass -- and figured that perhaps he was just trying too hard.

I wrote a short reply, careful not to come anywhere close to mirroring his (mis)communication style, and asked a direct question -- a good way to cut to the chase and avoid another vocabulary lesson. His response was much shorter this time. The first two sentences were actually clear and concise, but then he fell back into attempts at erudition for the remainder of the message. *sigh* I don't think I'll be writing back.

Still other "writers" have sent me e-mails asking for dates, and for advice on how to get published. Could I send them contact information for editors and agents? Would I read the first draft of their first attempts at a novel? One young man even offered to let me read his manuscript for free. Oh, be still my heart! Rather than replying to accept these offers of coffee and dinner, maybe I should respond with my professional fees for these editorial services.

There's at least one really interesting pagan guy I think could be a new friend, though probably not a match. So perhaps this online thing hasn't been a total waste. Still, I continue to learn.