practice makes.... something

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine posted to our circle of friends about feeling painfully shy. After sending my reply -- most of which appears below -- to her (and cc'ed to the rest of our group), I was surprised to hear how many of us also engage in "practice conversations," whether gearing up for asking the boss for a raise, confronting a roommate about an annoying habit, or even gathering the courage to make a phone call to a stranger. All it took was a simple, brave query from one of our own to help the rest of us come out of the closet.

My friend had written specifically about have initially been afraid of meeting the rest of us at a coffee shop Meetup, about hiding behind books, and being intimidated by goal setting. After reading over my own response, it is clear once again how much easier it is to dole out advice than it is to heed it -- and we are so very good at giving the advice that we ourselves most need to follow!

In the interest of following one of my own suggestions -- that out coming out of my shell a bit more -- and also of the "greater disclosure" idea I keep toying with, I thought I'd share this e-mail with a more global circle. It might even do someone (other than myself) some good.

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K:

If it makes you feel any better, I have often been frightened of meeting myself (the other Scorpios will likely understand this), especially as I dig deeper down into my own ever-expanding truths. Much of my fear now is a struggle to accept the wisdom that is coming to me, vs. my fear that I'm actually totally nuts and the fear of "what other people might think," and this has been getting in the way of my own development. It is simply time for me to let that go.

We're all afraid at one time or another, often more deeply -- and much more frequently -- than we let on. I have some favorite sayings about fear, but I'll mention this one here:

"To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another." -- Katherine Paterson

I have to be goal-oriented, to get myself moving forward toward something positive and productive. Otherwise, I have a tendency to get distracted and can unintentionally fall into a comfortable slump. I have Attention Deficit Disorder (high-functioning/non-medicated), and I'm also pretty harsh on myself when I'm not out winning a Nobel Prize every other month (i.e., when I'm failing to live up to my own superhuman expectations of myself), so it's a tightrope walk of self-nurturing while not being self-indulgent, and I don't always succeed.

I, too, like to hide behind books. I seldom show up at a Meetup or other gathering without some reading material in-hand, in case I'm the first one there and need to occupy myself. This is mostly so I can appear to have something to do, and hopefully won't appear lost or seem like a "target"; the book takes away that vulnerability when I'm out in open spaces, and people generally don't bother someone who is reading. Of course, I also enjoy reading -- and wish I had even more time and alertness for books -- so it works on two fronts. But I don't like that I still wear so much armor out into the world.

You are a great mirror for me, K. I already told you about how I used to be too afraid to call to order pizza, and how I had to carefully write out scripts for myself to use on the phone when calling to inquire about various services. Most people who know me today have a hard time imagining that, and they laugh when I describe myself as "shy." Even now, I find myself crafting various "practice conversations," to ensure that I'm never caught off-guard. I don't like this about myself. I am working toward being more present and authentic, being able to engage the world more openly and with fewer knee-jerk shields.

Despite years of hard work and facing demons, I am still living with fear, though there is certainly not as much of it now, and it is not as strong. We build our own prisons: "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key" (The Eagles). Ultimately, we create our own fears and so do have complete control over them -- as long as we trust ourselves enough to see us through as we step out into the light. We just each have different ways of getting there.

Thank you for daring to share your precious light with us, K! You are dazzling indeed.